My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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