This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
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It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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