She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
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Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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