Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize