My nipple is on Facebook.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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