He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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