I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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