hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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