I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
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You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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