I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
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Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
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I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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