i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Life is so much better after having sex.
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she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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