I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
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She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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