Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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