At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
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I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
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Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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