so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
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We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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