I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I think my fart just growled at me.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
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it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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