There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im six kinds of drunk right now
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
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In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
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I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
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