i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize