dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
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