He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
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It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
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Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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