if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we made out on top of his cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize