I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
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I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
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