No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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