We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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