I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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