Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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