Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
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You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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