stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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