I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I smell like Dick and happiness
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