Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
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I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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