I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
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no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
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Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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