When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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