Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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