I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
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She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
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I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize