your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
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she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
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Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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