Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
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i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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