No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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