i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't put those talents on a resume
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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