Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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