Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize