Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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