Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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