I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
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sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
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I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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