90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
they're like a gay fantastic four
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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