i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
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we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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