Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
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I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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