I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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