I'm so fucking centered right now
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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