im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
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I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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