You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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